Forgiveness Vespers

Stephanie has taken the kids out of town so that I can work on my dissertation over the long weekend. Being alone in the house with nothing but my thoughts and an incomplete chapter is disorienting. My "writer's haze" was on full display tonight. I actually wandered into Forgiveness Vespers rather late. I thought it started an hour after it actually did, and I've been so distracted that it never occurred to me to call someone and check.

Nevertheless, I made it. I was the second-to-last person in line, but I was able to ask forgiveness from those present, thank God.

I hope all Lent won't be like this. I don't remember the last time my life was this nuts. My surprise son, Connor, surprised us further by coming into the world two weeks prior to the date Stephanie was to be induced. I was grading papers while Stephanie was in labor, if that gives you any idea of how the past few months have been. Plus I have this looming dissertation I am trying to finish, curriculum I have to write, and poor job prospects after I defend (welcome to academe).

Lent is supposed to be a time to slow down, to hedge back the world and reflect on the journey to Golgotha and the Resurrection, but to be honest all I can really think about at the moment is what is on my plate.

The only thing in my favor is the way Lent works on a person, often in spite of herself. Back in my protestant days (I'm a Nazbeen, for those who don't know), I was taught that "just going through the motions" was a sign of spiritual weakness. But sometimes life sucks all the strength out of us, and the motions are the best we can muster. And that's not a bad thing. Feelings don't always come first.

Any married person knows this. I don't always "feel" love for me wife. We're too busy to be feeling that all the time (I apologize to tween fans of Twighlight for bursting your bubbles). Like most things, love is a deed. It's a motion.

Parents know this too. I don't always "feel" like playing with my son. Sometimes I'm too busy. But when I stop and take just a few minutes to crash a few trucks into some blocks, I am reminded of how much I love the way George gives me an excuse to act like a kid again.

Lent can be like that too. It can be a motion that leads to a feeling. At least, that's my hope. So this Lent I have one goal. Just one! I am going to try to go through as many motions as I can. I am going to trust that, like parenting and marriage and most other things we grownups have to deal with, what I do on the outside will work on my insides. I am going to hope and pray that as I stumble through this journey, Lent will work on me in spite of myself.